Because You Were Never Lost….

” In my dreams you’re mine, In my life you’re my dream ” – Unknown

      Dear Audrey,

      Last night I found myself running down a long hallway chasing after a dark curly-haired little girl. As I scooped her up and turned her around, I realized it was you. As I held on to you for dear life….squeezing you tight, and smothering you with kisses just as I used to do, my heart filled up with so much joy. For a brief second in time I could feel you….smell you again. For a moment all the pain was gone. You had been lost. You were found. Your death had just been a dream. I was relieved. 

   Then…my eyes opened.

   Half disoriented from awakening so fast, confusion set in as I looked over and there was a baby lying there but it wasn’t you. A knot formed in my tummy as I realized that it had all been a dream. That I had indeed lost you and your death was still so very much my reality.

   Realizing there was no one year old little girl here to chase, I picked up your baby brother lying beside me and held him close. I thought about this past week that had just went by. April the sixteenth had been your first birthday.

   That morning I had woken up feeling the exact same way as I did this morning. Wishing that you were there to chase, to kiss, and to get covered in pink birthday cake icing. As I began to calm down…a sense of peace washed over me in the quiet and darkness of my bedroom. The very same peace that I had felt on the day you were placed in my arms. On the day that my arms were replaced for Jesus’s, and on the day of your first birthday.

The day of your birthday started off in anger. This was after all a date on my calendar that had been taunting me since your death…. and here we were. How was it fair that a day that was supposed to be a celebration, was now a day of missing something….someone that was never going to be here to celebrate with.  Regardless of my anger I was determined to fight it….fight through it…..regardless of whether it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest once again.

   Then something happened. Your sister…totally innocent and with no hate for the day, but only love for you, asked me if we could still make you birthday pancakes. ( A tradition that we have done ever since her first birthday.) My anger and fear began to fade instantly as her question made me realize that this day wasn’t about the loss of your life…but the birth of it. It was the day that I had finally got to meet you. The day I had got to smell and kiss you. It was the beginning of our short but beautiful life together. 

  With each flip of pancake I smiled and remembered you. Your sisters, brother, and I gathered around the kitchen table…and in mismatched pajamas, covered in pancake syrup and sprinkles…we celebrated. Loving on you the only way we knew how. In an instant I knew I was going to make it through the day..not by ignoring the situation, or fighting through the pain…but by finding these beautiful moments being formed through it.

   There were many hard moments about that day. Making your first birthday cake was a whole new experience than the others, knowing that your breath would never touch the candle flames and picking out first birthday balloons with a broken heart, while the cashier who had no idea happily took my order while mentioning about how exciting first birthdays were..only made the unfairness of it all seem that much more.

   Regardless of the sadness, there continued to be so many beautiful moments in the heartache. A friend dropped by with a bouquet of purple and pink flowers with a big purple bow.  As I noticed the color purple I immediately sensed you then and everyday since as they’ve set on my counter as a constant reminder of your life…and God’s love.

   Later that evening, as family gathered in our home, and my phone filled up with messages it was overwhelming to see how many lives you had touched in two and a half months and even in your death. We all drove to the ocean to release balloons for you, and I felt God’s presence as your Daddy and I let go of the strings from our hands. Tears were shed and you were remembered. In the stillness and quiet….with nothing but the sound of the wind and water splashing below. In the desperateness for you, I became thankful and so proud.

   See, I may have never got to experience the pride a mother feels as she watches her toddler take her very first steps across the floor, or as she watches her daughter prance across the stage at her first dance recital, but I do get to be proud of the lives you have changed….of my life that you have changed. I get to be proud that your life has brought people to believe, to find strength, and to find hope. You sweetie….even in your death have impacted so many lives in the course of a year.

  You are not lost. We are. I was. I do not need to chase you because I know where you are. My selfishness of wanting you with me may sometimes get in the way of God’s plan, but I know that you are found safely in his arms and that he too is saying good work my child.

   You Audrey were amazing. Your life was amazing and continues to be. I feel so thankful and blessed….even unworthy in some ways to be your mommy.

    Happy Birthday sweet girl. Know that as the years continue to pass by, you will continue to be remembered, desperately missed, and so very loved. But…also know that with your life, and our God..you my dear have left a legacy of love and hope. A legacy that I continue to celebrate not just once a year, but everyday of my entire life until I have the chance to kiss, smell, and hold you once again. 

   Until then, I will continue to see you in my dreams.

Love, Mommy

One Moment At A Time.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6”

The moment that my labour started sheer panic set in within me. I was a mere few hours away from meeting my son. A moment that I had been dreaming about for the past nine months, but I now felt anything but ready for. In fact……what I really wanted to do was  get up off of the bed and come back another day. But the truth was, no matter the day or time…I was never going to be fully prepared for the life altering event that was just about to take place.

     We were here.

     The time was here.

     This was it.

     As my husband took my hand I could hear the doctor telling me that he was going to break my water and we were going to have a baby. As the fear built inside me and tears filled my eyes….all I could do was pray….pray for courage…..pray for strength….pray that I was as ready as I could be in that moment.

   When I could no longer fight my body from what it was ready to do, in three pushes…in the exact same room…..on the exact same bed I delivered Audrey on just a year before…..Asher Russell Robicheau came rushing in to the world on April tenth, two-thousand fifteen.

    They placed him on my chest and it was one of the most terrifying, overwhelming, and absolutely beautiful moments of my entire life. I cried as I heard him cry and was able to see all his sweet features that he shared with his siblings. I wept in fear for his precious little life, and I rejoiced in the gift that I had just been given. God was with us, He was ours, and I was so thankful.

    Once we were home it didn’t take long for fear and anxiety to set in to my every moment of my every day. I quickly realized that I had never truly understood the amount of guilt I had placed on myself for not being able to prevent Audreys death, until I was entrusted with another little life and night time set in.

     There have been so many moments of immense fear and panic as he sleeps too soundly for me to notice his chest moving up and down, and I cannot help it as my mind continually shifts to the what if’s and time frames. There have been moments of deep longing for my baby girl who was just this age a short year ago.

     To say that this week has been a struggle would be an understatement. There are times when I have had to focus on not just getting through the day but sometimes just getting through a minute….each feeding…or each nap. There have been times when my anxiety has been so high that I have been unable to do anything but cry, pray, and plead for some sanity…or just some sign that everything is going to be okay. God has remained constant this entire time, and at my most weak and difficult moments is when I have been able to sense his presence the most. 

    Although no child can ever replace Audrey, Asher has already brought a joy and a hope that I didn’t feel capable of feeling again. Through my entire pregnancy, God had been preparing me for Ashers arrival as I learned to trust, to depend, and to give it to him. He had once again, begun to heal my heart beyond what I could ever have imagined.

    This past year has brought pain. It has been a battle….and a struggle, but it has also brought us Asher. It has been and continues to be a tremendous growing period for me, and although I know there are so many more trying moments ahead all I can do is pray that he continues to take each anxious moment, and each fear and use them to shape and mould me into the person he wants me to be. 

    In the days ahead I cling to the fact that he never leaves me….that he is still here…that his plans for me are greater than my own…and that I do not have to be afraid for he his bigger than any fear.

Love, Trust, & Sacrifice.

 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son -John 3:16

    As I sat in church this morning, with my family at my side…..my heart was internally aching.

    Easter Two-thousand Fourteen, had been so different for me. In fact, just four days prior, I had given birth to our little Audrey….and my only worry was whether I was going to be discharged from the hospital in time to be home to put out Easter baskets filled with skipping ropes and bubbles, and to be able to hide colorful plastic candy-filled eggs around our home.

   I did make it home in time. One day before to be exact….and although our holiday tradition included attending the Easter morning service at our church, I am not certain I can really say I ever took a minute to realize the true significance of the day.

   Audrey slept through the entire service, and I can remember feeling truly proud and full of joy as we sat there as a family of five. The day continued on to include beautiful weather and quality family time. The only holiday we would ever get to spend with our daughter was perfect. 

   But this year…..Easter Two-thousand fifteen, was different. As our now returned to family of four sat there in the exact same building…this year felt different. This day took on a whole new significance…and as I listened….I mean really listened to the Easter story, and of the death and suffering of Jesus…for the first time in my twenty-six years my heart truly felt it.

    I realized that God not only knew my pain and suffering that has come with child loss…but that he too has lived it…that he too has experienced the same pain as me. With that, he also had the power not only to stop the suffering of his son at any time…but that he had the power to prevent his death entirely. He had the ability to change the story…..but that would also have meant changing all of ours as well. He chose the ultimate sacrifice of his child so that I could have the chance of eternal life….so that my Audrey could live again. A sacrifice I am eternally grateful for. A sacrifice I know I would have never been able to make.

   This morning I felt the heaviness of the day. I felt the pain of his followers and parents as they watched their son die while not understanding God’s plan. I have questioned the exact same questions of the why’s and how’s that they did that day. I know what it is like to feel the pain of Friday….while not knowing that Sunday’s coming.

   I am fortunate enough to know God’s bigger plan of his Son’s death. That in three days he rose from the dead on that Sunday, and that because Jesus’s death was not the end of the story, there is a new found hope and trust in the Lord.

   Audrey may not have been sent here to save the world, but she has helped to save mine. I believe with all of my heart that he has a plan for her life that is bigger than I could have ever imagined. That his plan for mine has joy beyond what I am able to see right now.

  Because of Jesus’s death…and his resurrection, I do have the trust that “my bigger picture” is for my good and not to cause me pain or harm. That no matter how hard or how awful things seem right now that maybe not in three days or three years for that matter….but that someday my Sunday will too come and I will finally be able to look back and understand his plans in full. 

   Until then, I continue to be thankful, to follow, and to trust in not only the joys that I am given…but in the trials that come my way.