He Knows.

 

” The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” – Exodus 14:14

 It had been a long day. I had finally settled the girls in to their beds and slumped down on to the couch totally exhausted.

   The whole week had been exhausting. Life had yet to slow down since leaving work only a week prior and time was quickly passing me by. A week full of feelings of unwillingness to accept that it had been almost a year since my Audrey had come bursting into the world, unpreparedness for life that was to come, a what could be life changing decision that my husband had just presented to me, a frightening Doctors appointment for myself, and a last minute trip to the city to meet a family member at the hospital had left me feeling nothing but unappreciated and defeated in so many ways.

   I was vulnerable….emotional….and as I sat there attempting to find the energy to fold the last load of my never ending laundry, a family member came to visit. As she sat there we began to talk about Audrey and her sweet little life, the trials of grief and how it can be experienced so differently by others. I started to feel a little relief. For a moment I didn’t feel so alone…but then as our conversation changed from Audreys departure to Ashers arrival I found myself getting anxious. 

   As she said the words ” I don’t know how you would ever be able to lay in bed with him.” An innocent question immediately made me freeze up. I felt judged. I felt blamed once again for her death. Honestly without her even being aware my mind started going in a million different directions. 

    Not only did I feel that this was going to be one more person to unknowingly add pressure as she watched every move I would soon make with my new babe, but I also remembered feeling like I couldn’t be angry about the question because it has been one I had constantly asked myself. After all, regardless of the autopsy and medical reports there are still times when guilt or the self blame resides. 

 Feeling way too tired to defend myself, the conversation quickly ended and I went to bed that night with so many questions about whether I was really ready for what was to come. Not only how I was going to deal with my own fears, judgements, and emotions….but everyone elses as well. For the first time in a long time I feel asleep praying for some sort of sign…some sort of answer that my whole life wasn’t going to fall apart, that my relationships were going to be saved, that I was going to be okay.

 The very next day I was driving home from a morning of running errands. Exhausted from grocery shopping and fighting to keep a toddler clothed for the weather. I sat in silence as the snow covered trees glistened on the side of the highway….in that moment a new song began and I heard the words, 

“After all of my searching
All of my reaching
I’m left with nothing
Nothing of worth
You treasure the broken
Over and over
Give me a hope that could never be earned ” – Mercy Me

   It was a song I had listened to over and over during the first few weeks after Audreys death. Tears immediately began to fill my eyes as I felt the rawness of my own brokenness. I felt completely vulnerable in my car with my bare footed toddler asleep behind me. I cried hard for Audrey as I tried to imagine her walking and what it would have sounded like to hear her say ” Mommy” for the first time. I wept for relationships I have been hiding from because of the fear of pressure and judgement from, and I felt the immense fears I have for this precious little boy to enter the world.

Most importantly In that fifteen minute drive home I felt such a peace that I have not felt since a few months after Audrey’s death. A peace that made me feel that I was not alone. A peace that allowed me to once again really trust. I felt renewed and more ready for this next step….realizing that not only do I not have to deal with everyone else’s fears and opinions but that I didn’t even have to deal with my own alone.

Over the last few days as I have read many of the posts from other Hope Mommies who are struggling with the same issues of guilt, loneliness, and doubting their faith…my hope is that they too can feel the peace of letting it go. The peace of knowing that we are not alone no matter how hard it seems. The peace of him truly treasuring the broken.

When I Am Scared.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Baby Asher,

      I feel so unprepared for what is about to happen.

      As your due date approaches quicker than I could have ever expected, and we are down to nothing but a mere few weeks before your slippery new to the world body is placed on my chest, panic has began to set in. 

       Preparing for your arrival has been challenging at times. I struggle with purchasing any baby items that are for any age older than three months….I don’t know why…but it’s like my heart is unwilling to accept that you may be here for longer. I find myself preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. The unknown is so very frightening.

      After Audreys death I found so much strength in my faith….in Jesus. I hung on tightly for dear life as he carried me through the moments, weeks, and months. I clung to him by immersing my every being in him,  and surrounding myself with the strong godly woman and support systems that he had provided me. 

   I felt closer to him at the worst time in my life then I had ever felt before. When I felt I had lost everything…I found him, and although I had done nothing to deserve it…he rescued me. For the first time in my life I had thought I had finally got it. I felt loved, I felt like enough, I felt safe. 

   But over the past couple of weeks, as your arrival becomes imminent I have felt the total opposite. I have felt afraid of the God I had come to know, and terrified at the fact that his way of saving me may not exactly be my own.

  This week as I was driving I was faced with a question I had been dreading to answer. As your sister asked me if I could promise her that you wouldn’t die, I could not help but become angry inside. 

    In that moment I felt like a complete hypocrite because as I tried so hard to tell her that I could not make that promise and that we needed to trust in God…. I was internally struggling with the fact that I didn’t even know if I was able to trust his plan….especially if it meant that you could be taken from me too. 

    I again found myself questioning everything I believed in. I began to remember how innocent I felt before Audreys death. How care free things seemed before I knew the devastating realities that life can throw my way. In some ways I longed for it back….but then I felt God through you.

    See as I sat in a group this week. Surrounded by a bunch of amazing woman that I have grown with and love. The same bunch that have continually lifted me up over the past year, I felt like a stranger. I didn’t feel like myself. As I sat listening, I was internally fighting with God about what exactly he wanted from me…about why he would cause me to go through so much fear and pain.

   Then you moved.

   As I felt and watched your little parts move my belly I felt love. I felt like I was exactly where I am suppose to be. That I was meant to be Abigails, Amelias, & Alexis’s mom. That I was meant to be Audrey’s mom…….and that I am meant to be yours. That I will continue to be carried through the pain and the struggles that come along with your arrival, but that I will also be blessed through the joy, healing, and love you bring to our family. 

   Most importantly, I have realized that although I feel just as unprepared for your arrival as I did for Audrey’s death….I can rest in the fact that God has been preparing me and my heart for you before your were even formed in my womb. 

   So as the days continue to pass…and my mind continues to struggle with all the what ifs and fears of your first nap, your first nights, and the every days. I will continue to remember that he is bigger than any fear and that moment by moment, day by day, and month by month of your precious life we will conquer them together .

  You are already loved so much little guy.

  See you soon.

 Love, Mommy

Remind Me Who I Am.

 “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.” Ecclesiastes 1:18

                                       

 Sweet Audrey,

      Today was hard.

       Actually, scratch that……..

       Today was excruciatingly painful.

        It has been exactly eight months, and seven days since you left my arms. Yet this morning as I stood in your nursery for what would be the last time…. it was if it was just yesterday…just moments ago…that you were here.

        As I began to empty out your room, a task that I thought I was so ready for….a panic set in that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Today was the day where your precious room that I had so excitedly prepared for you……a room that has been a constant reminder of your short but important presence in our home….was going to be no more.

        I emptied out your crib that still contained your blanket and sleeper. I held them to my face and as I breathed in I could still smell you. In fact, I ran to Daddy to let him smell your scent that still lingered in the fabric. I have never been so thankful for the strong smell of baby spit up  that not even the washer could erase. 

        It had only been one year ago I had painted this room as you jumped in my belly each time your Daddy had hit a nail into the wall while hanging the mouldings. As I stood there today painting over that pink chevron wall, I could no longer hold back the tears that fell each stroke I made. As the pink slowly faded away I could not help but panic that you may to. I realized that a year ago I was different…..I was unaware of lifes ability to drastically change at no moments notice.

       I realized that I too have been hiding behind a wall….behind a persona that I could remain the same person that I was before your death. That with hard work and by pretending that everything was returning to normal I could remain that same pink wall with only a few scratches in my paint. 

      Truth is I am not the same. I will never be that person again. Sometimes I feel broken, I feel like I miss the old me. Then I look back at my life before you came into it. Your life gave mine so much meaning…and your death….your death has and continues to change me, yes at times for the worse…but mostly for the better.

     I never imagined one year ago where my life would be today. That within a year I would have said goodbye to you, while saying hello to another. I would have never thought it was possible to experience so much in twelve short months and I still feel like I have not had enough time to prepare me for whats ahead in such a few short weeks.

      Even though I still feel weak at times, and I live in a constant struggle of fear while preparing for a new baby and trusting in God to keep him safe and in my arms, because of him I also feel strong….I feel wiser…..and I feel capable. 

      So baby girl…today as your nursery disappeared from our home…as I packed away your things while unpacking for another, know that your presence will forever be in my heart….in my memory, and in our home.

   Love Mommy xo